Your Options When Dealing With A Harassing Spouse or Ex-Spouse

Given the mental and physical toll of divorce, it is not unusual for one parent to start harassing the other (or even the children) over parenting decisions, child custody, child support or visitation. In these cases, the non-harassing parent might decide that the divorce settlement needs to be changed. This can be done, but there are steps you can take while the legal process works itself out.

What Is Domestic Harassment?

Harassment can come in many forms, from verbal abuse to physical violence to stalking. Some of these acts are clearly illegal, while others might be illegal, such as verbal threats.

However, other types of harassment–such as bad-mouthing you to the children or spreading rumors to friends–aren’t necessarily illegal, but that doesn’t make them any less hurtful. And they still may be addressed: They could even violate the custody agreement. Common examples include:

• Stalking or unwanted surveillance

• Excessive, non-emergency contact via phone or email

• Spreading rumors or digital harassment

If you are concerned about physical injury or other danger, contact the authorities and your counsel. For other issues, consider talking to the police or your lawyer to determine what actions you may be able to take.

What to Do If the Harassment Is Abusive?

Again, in cases of physical abuse, you should contact the police and your attorney immediately. They will be able to inform the appropriate agencies, such as child protective services, to help you remove children from a dangerous environment. A court may also:

• Issue a restraining order (Order of Protection)

• Award exclusive use and possession of the marital residence

Once you’re not in immediate harm’s way, realize that domestic abuse is usually a sign of the perpetrator’s deeper emotional and mental problems. Much like addiction, abuse is unlikely to stop without professional help. Trying to talk to your spouse as a way of ending the abuse is unlikely to work. The better–and far more effective–option is to contact the authorities and seek professional help.

Some parents understandably want to maintain a relationship with the abusive parent and any children. But you must remember that an abuser needs help before any relationship can function. Your first priority must be to protect yourself and your children.

What Can You Do to Stop Non-Abusive Harassment?

For minor incidents, you might try talking to your ex. There’s a possibility that he might not be considering the true effects of his actions. However, if the harassment continues, take these steps:

• Establish firmer modes of communication: Tell your ex-spouse that you will only communicate over email or text messages.

• Document everything: Save all messages, screenshots, and emails to provide a permanent record of your exchanges (evidence that you might need in court).

• Set boundaries regarding children: You can write a list of subjects that you don’t wish him to discuss with the children.

Should You Retaliate?

It’s only natural to want to retaliate, but you must resist these urges. Retaliation is unlikely to stop the harassment; rather, it will probably lead to greater harassment. And your retaliation can also work against you if the problem reaches the court: You’ll share culpability.

Instead, try to keep a record of the harassment incidents. Include the day and time the event occurred, the content of your complaint, names of any witnesses and so forth. If the harassment is coming from emails or texts, you should save these.

Legal Remedies and Orders of Protection

If the harassment continues, there are several legal options open to you:

• File a Criminal Complaint: First, you can make a criminal complaint and request that the prosecutor seek an order of protection in your favor. An order of protection (temporary or otherwise) can limit physical interactions between you and your ex. If your ex-spouse violates the terms of such an order, he or she may be charged with criminal contempt.
• Request Exclusive Use of Residence: If a divorce action is pending, you can also request that the Court award you exclusive use and possession of the marital residence in certain circumstances in order to further limit your personal interaction with your ex.
• File a Family Offense Petition: If the police are not interested in prosecuting the matter, you can also file a family offense petition in family court. You can receive an order of protection in this type of action as well.
• Seek Co-Parenting Counseling: If the motivation for the harassment is connected with the children, you can also seek an order requiring you and your ex-spouse participate in co-parenting counseling.

If you would like to learn more, be sure to contact one of our lawyers today.