Custody & The Holidays

Navigating custody arrangements, particularly during the holiday season, is one of the most sensitive challenges co-parents can face. If you are not careful and do not plan in advance, a time that is supposed to be joyful and focused on creating positive memories and experiences, can quickly devolve into disagreements over parenting time hours, who is bringing the child where, and which parent’s family gets to enjoy a meal or other notable holiday event with the child in favor of the other.

While specific schedules vary, most holiday custody schedules fall into one of the following categories:

Alternating Holidays

Parents switch holidays each year. For example, if in even years Mom has Halloween and Dad has Thanksgiving, then in odd years it is swapped, with Dad having Halloween and Mom having Thanksgiving. This is also traditionally accompanied by alternating holidays between parents within any given year (i.e., if Mom has Halloween, Dad has Thanksgiving, and then Mom has Christmas).

Splitting Holidays

Parents divide a holiday into parts, meaning each specific day is divided. A common example of this is when one parent spends Christmas morning with the child and the other spends Christmas evening. This allows both to see the child on each holiday, though for shorter periods.

Fixed Holiday Schedule

Certain holidays are permanently assigned to each parent. For instance, one parent is Jewish, the other Christian, and the parties have decided that the Jewish parent be afforded all Jewish holidays and the Christian parent all Christian holidays.

Customized Schedules

Notwithstanding the above, it is understood that every family is unique and custody is not a one-size-fits-all situation. In light of this, families often design unique arrangements that reflect their own traditions, religious observances, travel logistics, or a child’s preferences.

It is important to establish holiday custody arrangements well in advance, as courts are often inundated with requests during this season and may not be able to resolve disputes in time. Thoughtful planning can help ensure a smoother and more enjoyable holiday for everyone. When deciding on a schedule, consider your family’s unique circumstances, such as established traditions, whether certain holidays typically involve travel, and the distance between the parents’ homes. These types of factors significantly affect how practical and realistic a schedule will be. While dividing holidays on paper may seem simple, it is often the logistics that pose the greatest challenges.

The holiday season often adds extra challenges to custody arrangements. Emotions can run higher than usual, and old and/or unresolved conflicts between parents can easily resurface. It is not uncommon for one parent to step into the role of the “fun parent,” offering more gifts or easing household rules, which only further complicates issues and creates emotional barriers to finding practical resolutions. It is important to note that taking these types of “short cuts” to winning your child over in a particular moment that, in reality can create long-term imbalance and tension.

As noted above, logistics only add to the strain. Holiday travel, unpredictable weather, and packed family schedules make coordination difficult, even in successful co-parenting relationships. Even minor disruptions are heightened during the holiday season, underscoring the need for flexibility and clear communication.

To make the holidays smoother for everyone involved, parents are encouraged to consider these tips and tricks to get through the holiday season and not create lasting issues between co-parents:

Put the Child First

Keep the focus on what will make the holiday meaningful and enjoyable for your child, not on “winning” time over the other parent. While “winning” may seem like what matters in the moment, what really matters is creating memories with your child and cherishing those moments together.

Plan Early

Start discussions with your co-parent well in advance of the holidays. Early planning gives you time to work out kinks or uncertainties in your holiday schedule, whether it’s already outlined in an existing Order or you’re creating one for the first time.

Stay Flexible

Life happens. Weather, travel delays, or family emergencies may require schedule changes, so you should be prepared for them. Flexibility prevents minor hiccups from becoming major disputes, and also recognizes that while it might not be your hiccup this year, it very well could be next year.

Use Written Communication

Shared calendars, parenting apps, or even simple email confirmations help ensure both parents are on the same page and reduce misunderstandings. Recommended apps include Our Family Wizard, Talking Parents, and AppClose.

Respect Each Other’s Traditions

If possible, honor each parent’s cultural or religious customs. This is not to say honor theirs in place of your own, but, where possible, acknowledge that these exist on both sides; it not only reduces conflict but enriches the child’s holiday experience.

Avoid Competing With Gifts

As noted above, it may feel good in the moment to be the “fun-parent” or to try to “win” the holidays with gifts or events. However, if you agree in advance on gift-giving boundaries to avoid one parent feeling pressured to “outdo” the other, this will reduce tension between you and your co-parent and will allow you both to feel secure going into the holidays, rather than one or the other mounting a defense.

Keep the Child Out of the Middle

Under no circumstances create a situation in which your child has to choose between one parent and the other. Do not leave holiday scheduling solely up to the child and their wishes. Children should not feel they have to “choose” between their parents or serve as messengers in scheduling disputes. Communicate directly with each other.

Create New Traditions

When old traditions no longer fit, whether that’s because the logistics are no longer plausible given the newly established households or because it was something that required an intact family, what you can do on your end is to build new traditions that allow both parents to share special moments with their child. For example, in the case of a “Splitting Holiday” schedule as articulated above, one parent might have Christmas morning and the other might have Christmas dinner. To make the day feel more connected for the child, you could build in small traditions. In the morning, the parent who does not have time with the child could still be part of it by sending a gift to open first thing. Later, during Christmas dinner, the absent parent could contribute a special dish that becomes part of the meal. While minor, they create new traditions that focus on the child.

Helping Families Navigate Holiday Custody Challenges

Planning for child custody during the holidays can be challenging, but with preparation, cooperation, and a focus on the child’s best interests, families can create positive and memorable experiences for themselves and their children. Clear communication, flexibility, and early planning are essential tools for reducing conflict and ensuring the holiday season stays focused on what it should be: joy, connection, traditions, and making positive memories.

Hiring an attorney can help you navigate the challenges of the holidays, and the right counsel will keep all of the above considerations in mind while doing so. It is also understood that sometimes following these pointers is simply not plausible. In those instances, it is even more important to retain counsel as soon as possible to help you navigate through not only the holidays but also all other aspects of your divorce and custody dispute.